hyperprosperity

"Friday, September 5th, 2008

The Metallica Fan Club
369-B Third Street
PMB #194
San Rafael, CA 94901-3581
USA

Dear Metallica,

HEY! I’m one of your biggest fans! I don’t really know if people write fan letters anymore. I heard you guys are going working on a new album. Pretty awesome. Yeah, I have been reading rumors and interviews saying that it’s going to be like that missing link between Justice and The Black Album. I cannot tell you how happy I am you guys have finally decided to do that. My friends and I are really excited at the prospect of this new album...yeah...but..you know... there was something we wanted to talk to you about before you officially release the album. There maybe another way, outside of this ninth record that might be a better move for you, financially and artistically speaking. I'm not talking about a new producer and a new logo. No, I am talking about forgetting making this ninth album all together and diverting the rest of your money into a time machine.

(Laughs) I know Lars is shaking is head behind you guys saying.."My dear heavens.. time travel doesn’t exist, who is this witch talking to us..burn that letter!?” Now Lars, I can assure you that I am not a witch, nor a scientist so I can not exactly get into the finer details of how to propel an object back through time. What I am is an idea man with a proposition for a valuable resource which could potentially enhance your lives as musicians.

Let me clue you into a little secret; you are a multi platinum internationally known rock band. Such notoriety generally suggests an access to anything on the planet, including time travel; but that’s not the hard part. The hard part is finding a vessel big enough for the three of you (sorry Rob). Once you’ve secured a time machine, all you have to do is go back to February of 1991 and murder your past selves. I know some of you are wringing your hands in nervous tension, but please hear me out. Murder is the only thing that will make the future right. I'm pretty sure most of you were drunk during those years so pick a good time, like early afternoon to get yourselves at your weakest point. Some of you may be worried that a universal paradox will occur when your future and past self meet each other. Let me assure you time assisted "existencide" has occurred before without paradoxes. The most important part of this crime is that you successfully frame your current producer, Bob Rock, for the murders. I know it will be hard to frame an innocent man for a quadruple homicide; but believe me, in the end it will be for the better. The end result: the Black Album will never be finished.

Now you might be thinking “wait one second fan writer with a strange knowledge of time travel; our Black Album was our most successful; Justice began our accent to popularity, but the Black Album made us household names. If we murder ourselves before the completion, then the world will never hear the genius of “Enter Sandman.”

Now this is the hardest part of my letter. To keep it short, I think all of us have pinpointed the Black Album as the turning point in your career. You may not be aware of this, but there have been studies at major universities conducted to scientifically conclude you suck. Seriously; you should see some of the reports. They are fascinating. I’ve never seen the words "badass" and "douchebag" woven so eloquently into an academic study. Normally, aesthetics are not objective, but one study found 0% of the population preferred Load over Master Of Puppets (with a 0% margin of error). Even trigonometry doesn’t have that degree of accuracy. In fact, a major study at Johns Hopkins is being published this year entitled of “The Black Album and the Beginning of Shitty Metallica.” Do not fight against science. We must sever the limb before the infection.

After the horrific incident, there will be an interest to hear what was laid down before the “Metallica Murders”. Fans will clamor for a chance to hear this album and more specially to have this album mixed by Flemming Rasmussen; the famed producer for Ride The Lightning, Master Of Puppets and ..And Justice For All. There will be a renewed interest because Flemming never tried to murder you during his tenure as producer. I specifically suggested you guys would travel to the beginning of 1991 so most of the songs would be recorded and partially mixed but not mastered. The only thing you need to do is visit Flemming Rasmussen and convince him you guys are from the future and the universe’s longevity rests on his decision to master the album. You must make convince him before you murder yourselves. You could put on a HAZ-MAT suit and visit him during the night blaring heavy metal through a walkman. Once Flemming is convinced he will wake up the next morning to the startling revelation that Metallica was murdered. Rasmussen will never speak of the incident which occured the night before, becasue you will threaten his life. After the murders, Rasmussen will remix and master the album. Elektra will release it in a reconstructed form. There will be a memorial album art by Don Brautigam, probably a new track listing, and even unreleased photography. It will be even bigger than Smile. You will be gods among the dead. People will talk about how tragic genius and how you were stuck down before the crest of creativity. 16 year old kids will fantasize about what you guys would sound like if you were not murdered by a psychopathic producer. And you know what? the sound in those kids heads will never be as shitty as what you guys have produced in the last couple of years. Your old songs will echo in the halls of eternity.

Listen, I know this hard for you to accept, but you made a bad decision, and a lot of people do not get a chance to fix their mistakes. You are certainly not the first to make such a crucial mistake for that matter. If you look back in the history of art and music, you will notice certain artists make incredibly smart choices considering their careers; choices which cement their places into the canon of music history. You think these choices are made by themselves, or they just got lucky? Ha. I am not going to give you a list, but other artists have used the resource of time travel to fix their mistakes. Some you wouldn't even expect. Let me just say that Jim Morrison's Diet Coke campaign in the early 80's with the tag line "sugar free soda really lights my fire" wasn't the most respectable choice. So now, now Metallica have the opportunity, to cosmically, make things right once again.

So in conclusion, I know you think that you are doing right by hiring Rick Rubin, returning to the old format, and really trying to reignite your past. In fact, I even heard some leaked tracks while witting this letter (shh...don't tell Lars). I was pleasantly surprised at how much i enjoyed the new songs. Ive wanted to hate you for many years and trust me you have made it easy. While this new sound is pleasing it can not make up for all of those years of pain and anger you caused me. You cannot expect to walk back into my life and pretend everything is fine. You know the only thing you can do to make this right is through time-travel-assisted-suicide. I'm sorry. I can assume atleast one of you has figured out what will happen to your future selves if you kill your past selves. Let me assure you despite your fear, it will be for the better. Usually, I support band’s evolution in sound, but not yours. I know that if you do decide to go with the time travel decision, everyone in the future will not be able to experience the alternate future you will create when you murder yourselves. This is fine, because we know in this future that our alternative future selves will be more happy and complete. We are not selfish, we only want what is best for our alternate future. An alternate future without the words "Give me fuel..Give me fire...Give me that which I desire..."

Sincerely,

Kaptain Carbon
www.caspianisdead.com"

Breaking NewsBoy, 13, charged with raping and beating girl
By: James Turner

Updated: September 9 at 07:26 AM CDT

Print Article E-mail Article ShareThisA 13-year-old boy accused of raping, repeatedly battering and leaving an Internet "friend" bleeding in a Portage Avenue building has been released from custody.

The boy is charged with sexual assault causing bodily harm after he and the 13-year-old victim -- a friend he met on the Internet -- had been out drinking and hanging out with other friends downtown.

Early Aug. 8, the two wound up in a stairwell of a downtown building where the boy allegedly made unwanted sexual advances toward the girl. When she refused to co-operate, he is alleged to have dragged her by the legs down two flights of stairs before repeatedly beating her and viciously sexually assaulting her.

He fled the scene. Police found the girl the next morning and took her to hospital.

Crown attorney Victoria Cornick said the girl suffered broken teeth and severe swelling to her face and other parts of her body.

The boy was arrested the same day and confessed in a videotaped statement to police, Cornick said.

The Crown was opposed to his release, arguing he's a high-risk individual who won't obey court orders.

The boy's lawyer blamed his actions and classification as "high-risk" on his upbringing on a northern reserve where kids are largely unsupervised.

"It's a universal problem in the community," Bill Armstrong said.

On the night in question, the boy was said to have been angry over others making fun of his "manhood" and bravery when he refused to fight older boys involved in a street gang.

The youth was released on bail last Friday after provincial court Judge Lee Ann Martin ruled that the boy's CFS group home could properly supervise him while his case is in the courts.

Martin ordered the boy to abide by a curfew, and to have no contact with the victim, possess no weapons and seek treatment for substance abuse.

james.turner@freepress.mb.ca